death, the ocean, and girl troubles.

when i died it was in a car crash and i woke up feeling justified.

when i was walking along the beach i couldn't see anything clearly. black clouds were rolling in and the sky was that deep blue that tells you the sun has just set. there were crowds of people all sitting in the sand dressed up in black.

a girl walked up to me and came into focus as though it were right out of a fog. she was yelling at me, and as she came nearer i could hear he say, 'i can't believe you said that, you bastard!' i said what? no idea, it was completely out of context. i turned back and kept walking down the beach.

she was obviously irate and yelled, 'you're looking pretty idle over there, you motherfucker!' she kept following me and i turned around. started talking shit about glass houses and how i'd stone that whore until the roof came down and hopefully killed us both. she looked taken aback, but i thought that she was full of shit.

she said, 'i loved you, you fuck!'

i was still feeling pretty ruthless, but i asked her to come sit down and watch the tides with me. she just turned around and stormed down the beach.

i didn't really feel any immediate need to make my peace, so i just sat down and watched the waves roll in, thinking that maybe it would rain soon. i woke up feeling amused.

when i was in the diner there were two of the same girl. they were arguing a lot and both were trying to sleep with me. it was a pretty underhanded campaign; they both just kept talking shit about each other as though i'd already made a decision to sleep with one of them.

i had a full pack of cigarettes and every intention of watching them fight it out until one of them killed the other off, but a third girl walked up. she had red hair and blue eyes and she went straight for the kill.

she sat down next to me and suddenly all of my troubles seemed alieviated. we talked music and art idly for a little bit and stared into each other's eyes. exchanged numbers and went our seperate ways. the other two girls just sat and fumed. and i woke up wishing i'd stayed asleep.

telephone trouble.

just a little
bite on the neck but i thought she was going to take a chunk of my fucking skin off. a little jittery, i guess, but the silence set in and i couldn't help but feel better even if i had tried.

most of the time i'm not even sure why i'm here. but i got up and went to the bar still barely awake i wiped the sleep from my eyes and ordered a beer. time just seemed to lapse and then i was somewhere else with a group of kids. i have a feeling i picked them up at the bar.

we were headed back to my place and wound up on some back porch that doesn't really exist. there were platforms and sliding glass doors and a small pool of water. we sat down to relax and talk shit and pass a bottle around.

i was trying my best to sleep with one of the girls in the room, and as i finally coaxed her indoors without her companions my phone rang and woke me up.

maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

are we really doing this again?

OH.MY.GOD. some wide eyed psycho on the street screams at me THERE IS SO.MUCH.LINT. ON YOUR CLOTHES.

i tell him i'm not interested and he looks down at his feet then back at me. and people start pouring out the doors with nets and burlap bags and pick him up drag him away. a girl comes up to me and tells me that she doesn't mind and i look okay and i thank her and keep walking. it occurs to me that maybe i should have given her my number but i guess i didn't think of it fast enough.

the cars crawl by and everyone has a camera taking photos from their minivans with tourguides in the passenger seat and rabid children in the back eyeing me like i could be their next meal.

i look down and i'm wearing a tuxedo with a watch on a chain coming out of one pocket and going into the next looping around my body and binding me up. and how heavyhanded is that? the crowd has mostly dispersed and i am just standing here a spectacle but that's alright i'll just go about my day.

into some friend's building with a marble staircase familiar i think as i climb the rail. i feel this encompassing repetition like maybe i've reminisced about remembering this before. everything is in doubles all the way up and when i get to the door i want someone answers the it, but try as i might i can't seem to establish eye contact. i ask why my friend won't look me in the eye and she says if she does i might know something she doesn't. i ask what and she just looks at her feet and invites me in for a drink, but i decline and climb back down the stairs.

outside the streets are empty and i wonder to myself if i feel any more comfortable about that but i can't seem to interpret my own emotions. every time i try i just feel deja vu. i wonder if maybe the world is ending and i think that might be okay. that can only happen once, right?

suddenly i get a little bit uncomfortable and i feel like i've finally gotten a drink of water when i was parched. very refreshing. i reach into my pocket to see if maybe there's some cash or a set of keys or something to put my mind at ease. i just pull out a fountain of receipts and scraps of paper with individual words on them like 'HERRING' or 'TOOTHBRUSH' or 'EPIPHANY'. clearly that last one is the one that i want, but before i can examine it more closely i wake up.

the sunshine state can kiss my ass
but that wasn't really my point.

i saw her at the bar a couple days ago. she was dressed very strangely (a sailor suit, maybe?). very heavy eye makeup. she was there with her boyfriend, but i suppose that's been the story lately.

and then i ran into her in the supermarket. and hey!i've got the twitches i've got an itch i've got to get the fuck out of my house.

sound familiar? if not, just wait. i'm bound to repeat myself sooner or later.

the supermarket aisles are so surreal to me. all that heavy fluorescent light makes it tough to breathe and i like that a lot. i get strangely lethargic or detached and then here is this girl who had the courtesy to flirt with me even though her boyfriend was standing in the next aisle down.

'alcohol is back on sale at 5:30,' she said and asked me if i was an alcoholic. she looked merely interested. tried to sell me a label maker. and looked up at the bright lights. i wanted to ask her to breakfast but restrained myself. and my head just flooded full of blood vessels and electricity. felt the key in my pocket and told her i was going to leave: for real this time.

back out those sliding glass doors out to the diner so loud i can't help but feel a bit bitter about it. and here is another girl and her boyfriend, coming out of the woodwork. yeah, it's the whole nine yards. talk until dawn about music or something equally as arbitrary. this is the predictable premise. boyfriend just sits there and looks at me and chainsmokes. too bad he's such a nice guy.

and that kid at table six just sits so quiet like he always is i wish i could tell him but i think he's gotta fuck this one up for himself. he'd never listen to me anyway. but you wouldn't know it from just looking at me.

and who knows why, but the time lapses and the next thing you know i'm fifty miles from the florida border. i really have no idea when or why i left. maybe this state is not so saturated with couples and a rabid ex-girlfriend collection. but florida! a giant parking lot surrounded by corporate diners and giant neon letters screaming 'SCENIC' at you as you cross the overpass. and the corpses pile up as the sea of mercedes crawls by like maybe the drivers missed their midafternoon nap.

every day at least once i have to just sit down and probably look at my hands and wonder what the fuck i'm doing. well, i think i may have just met my quota.

post-coital bliss and indifference.

after we fucked i got up (still naked) and looked out her window. it was a nice view down to the street. it was quiet outside and the sun still wouldn't be up for another hour or two.

i love the feeling of intense seperation after a moment of intimacy. maybe that makes me weird or just symbolically afraid of commitment. as she lay there and asked me to come back under the covers i thought about this situation and my ongoing sense of repetition in life. well, i need something new, but this has been going on for years and you can see how far that's gotten me.

so there i was, naked and a little bit cold just standing there thinking about myself while she slowly but surely coaxed me back to bed. and for a little bit i felt humble and relaxed and that's about the best i can hope for in most situations. it would be a little while yet before i became preoccupied with anything but the present, not struggling to catalogue it or trying to find my place in it or figure out meaning or anything like that. i just let my muscles go limp and took a minute to forget.

in the morning, of course, there is hell to pay. or at least breakfast to buy. the clothes go back on and it isn't at all like it used to be. at some point or other this stopped getting me through the day like some new toy i'm excited about. i just put my shoes on and get in the car and that's that.

so maybe this is repetitive because i'm too methodical or maybe it's just because everyone is. i probably isolate things too much when i'm trying to figure them out. well, there's some truth to it, anyway. but i guess truth really isn't my thing anymore, either.

at least i'm doing something differently.

this is the part where you stop talking.

well.
regardless of the bad taste in your mouth there's really nothing you can say in your own defense. this is checkmate.

here is a room full of poor losers making accusations. here is me face to face with my own paranoia. a warm hello to diminished expectations. this is that harrowing madness of you barking your own inevitable defeat saying hey, here's reality, try some, it's new.

and i am in the park completely surrounded. (well there was nothing i could do.) and things are vibrant and full of colour despite what you may have heard elsewhere. and this is some kind of idiot intervention choreographed by someone who is obviously concerned with my well-being.

someone starts to speak and i say, 'sorry, but i've already had this dream before.' and everyone looks at me with some kind of disappointment. well, i've got news for you. causing disappointment is something that i rarely feel responsible for, and even if i did i doubt i would be able to arouse the kind of guilt that would satisfy the average onlooker.

and as i realise that this is in fact a dream i tell everyone it's time for them to go. the background is stripped out instantly and and people start to disappear. they look upset about this. i'm outside myself, and as i turn to go the me that's talking says, 'no, you stay.'

soon there is nothing but me, but i suppose that's how it was all along. interesting how that works. i sit down for a smoke and think, 'it's all cognitive from here on out, baby!'

deja vu.

during the long walk down the stairs i had a lot to think about and i suppose i used the time to my advantage.

you and i were going through the motions with that form letter of a conversation where you act like you're deciding on the spot that it's time to not see me anymore. i kind of spaced out and wasn't listening; i'm sure you noticed but kept going anyway. what you were saying was probably more important to you than me, in any case.

i didn't catch the screams or any insults that you may have hurled my way, but i heard the echoes all the way to the bottom of the building. and now comes the part where you devalue my presence in your life and i think about how this is very much the same as every other time. at least the second time around you get more of the jokes.

you are just like all the rest and so am i, so try not to get too hung up. i'm sure you'll get to someone who is a fair approximation of me before you know what hit you.

when i got to the alley outside i vomitted a little bit and i felt a tremendous weight lifted off of me. just like in the movies. hey, how about that.

i lit up a cigarette and started walking to the bar. this is the part where you start the tape over.