restless again.

i felt like nothing all day long. i was tired, so i took a nap. and napped and napped and napped. it wasn't a depressive kind of nap. i just felt tired through all my bones and felt i deserved some rest. i hadn't slept properly in about a week and things were getting weird. i was having a tough time keeping it together.

we went to a party and i flirted with all the girls there. i felt kind of ugly about it the whole time. that was okay. you came up to me and asked if i loved you. i have no idea how i answered, but i'm pretty sure it was a lie. this is like that movie where you're supposed to hate the protagonist before he gets redeemed. well. don't get your hopes up.

later we fucked. i felt uncharacteristically passionate about it. it easily trumped the whole day. i thought, 'oh yeah. now i'm back on my feet again.' i don't know how long we fucked for. it seemed like a really long time. i was drifting in and out of sleep by this point. everything was sort of lucid and difficult to keep in continuity. i was actually sleeping with you, and there had actually been sex, but apart from that i no longer knew what had actually happened that evening.

at some point another girl came in to sleep with me. i think i was alone. i felt her press against my back and she said she'd roasted some garlic and left it in the fridge. in the morning we would make some soup. it would have to sit for a while before it was ready to eat. i felt her fingers on my hips. it was hot.

i woke up again. i looked at the girl next to me. i couldn't tell if it was you or her. it was pretty dark. i tried to remember who i'd gone home with and i had no idea. i felt ugly about that, too, but only briefly. one can only harbour so much guilt about dreams and confusion.

i drifted off again. this time, i dreamed that i was sleeping with you and her. i was in the middle and there seemed to be a bit of bad blood between the two of you. you tried simultaneously to engage me in some sort of commitment-oriented conversation. i didn't yeild, but that wasn't very satisfying either. still, the entire time i didn't feel very much of anything except when i was fucking. i started to think about that and any implication it might hold, then decided that too much thinking would only make me miserable. if i slept any more it was dreamless. it took me a good hour after i woke up to put the previous day back together.