tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63263832011-04-21T21:29:50.962-04:00hello! chinese notebook.stories from my life on the moon.ninenoreply@blogger.comBlogger1041100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1157593967807690132006-09-06T21:50:00.000-04:002006-09-06T21:52:47.830-04:00it's over!god knows why i've been keeping two blogs without updating either for so long.there is a new blog here. it will be more or less the same, except not the same and with some different stuff.that's all.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1156890748360921272006-08-29T18:16:00.000-04:002006-08-29T18:37:37.063-04:00so currentlymy vagrant ass just got yelled at for sitting on the side of the road after about a half hour of wandering the earth qui chang cain style looking for wifi. so now i'm probably making lifelong enemies with the cafe cubano as i make yet another broadcast from the depths of downtown hipville.i have discovered that the trail behind my house actually winds completely around charlottesvilleninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1155784154779619562006-08-16T23:06:00.000-04:002006-08-16T23:10:20.183-04:00so.i've listened to it several times now and i don't think the thom yorke solo album is even kind of good.i realise you disagree, but seriously. i keep waiting for it to hit me in some way that makes me think somehow i've been wrong all along and i'm pretty sure now that it isn't going to happen.and i guess that's all i have to say about that.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1155757277916277012006-08-16T15:31:00.000-04:002006-08-16T15:41:17.943-04:00believe it or notbarnes and noble is actually a far worse place to access the internet. but goddamn if this place isn't bustling. it's a formidable moneymaking machine and i can't really hate on that. there is a giant starbucks logo located about one foot in front of my face. the woman on it looks like she's holding both of her hands up as if to say, 'bring it on!' my kind of woman.we found an ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1155667702011995012006-08-15T14:39:00.000-04:002006-08-15T14:48:22.023-04:00holy shit it's my one hundredth post.even laziness could not stop me from reaching this anticlimactic event.so i got a job. here. it isn't actually that pink. photographic liscence i think.also latino gangsta rap. goddamn is it awesome. more on that later.tonight i look at several apartments. one of my potential roommates is no longer and subsequently the apartment hunt begins anew with three twoninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1155325507061566262006-08-11T15:30:00.000-04:002006-08-11T15:45:07.083-04:00my escapehas finally been made, and well. mountains and valleys and anonymity and rich motherfuckers all around ready to drop their wads of cash right into my lap as i cook them posh food.i've scored an audition at the local c&c equivalent, although sources have revealed that they actually pay their employees and that i should feel cheated if i get less than $14/hr. i dropped the name of my ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1154967741260776192006-08-07T12:16:00.000-04:002006-08-07T12:22:21.283-04:00i'm waiting for my man.sitting in coffeehouse limbo waiting for a phone call. always at the whim of some stupid phone call. i am waiting for my former employer to cough up the grand he owes me and then i will drive across the mountains dragging all my expectations behind in my ancient honda.i suppose i could spend my last hours in ohio doing my laundry or seeing friends who i probably will not ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1151353096286028742006-06-26T16:15:00.000-04:002006-06-26T16:18:16.316-04:00in no particular order, and with no consideration for 'importance' outside my life:my ten favourite albums.pixies - surfer rosaportishead - dummypj harvey - is this desire?radiohead - the bendsvan (the man) morrison - moondanceelvis costello - this year's modelbob dylan - highway 61 revisiteddr. dre - chronic 2001joni mitchell - court and sparkwagon christ - musipalthat's it.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1149006095720290722006-05-30T12:15:00.000-04:002006-05-30T12:22:57.863-04:00back on the streets.just got back in to town.there were mountains and fog and ravines and rivers and fat tourists and sunburns and the whole nine yards. i forgot about life here for a little bit and drove a really long way. and slept on the floor. and ate indian food. the whole thing was pretty lovely.i found a bar in downtown harrisburg which sells "pints" (served in 20oz glasses) of yeungling ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1148607673571339732006-05-25T21:40:00.000-04:002006-05-25T21:41:13.700-04:00question.why the fuck have i lived in a place so flat and ugly and boring and cold for so long?ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1148579467361233392006-05-25T13:48:00.000-04:002006-05-25T13:51:07.376-04:00layover.a gloriously drunken evening in cleveland followed by a short drive down the turnpike has landed me for a brief stop in the cesspool of eastern ohio. drove down the beautiful strip of windows covered in particle board, lending agencies, pawn shops, porn stores, and other shitholes. twenty miles before it was all forests and rolling hills. but soon i'll be heading east again, into ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1148514016791044202006-05-24T19:36:00.000-04:002006-05-24T19:40:16.803-04:00covered in glamourous scars and black electrical tape i am hitting the turnpike once again. there is nothing that could possibly keep me here at this moment. gogogo! east, apparently. to the mountains, to the rivers of rising fog, to the overwhelming blur of colours and sounds which will make my mind go quiet again. finally.she came into the restaurant today (to gawk?). i couldn't figure out whatninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1148176455509245702006-05-20T21:50:00.000-04:002006-05-20T21:54:15.520-04:00my escape!i have made an escape plan. but don't tell anyone i told you. it's a secret.i've been getting fucked around for weeks. women, employers, the bank, my friends. everyone is suspect. but it won't be long now, i'm certain of it. i've set a date in my mind. all i have to do is follow through.i know what you're thinking. it'll be hard without the cigarettes. well, yes. but anything worth ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1147223066253346252006-05-09T20:52:00.000-04:002006-05-09T21:04:26.273-04:00herei am after another misplaced and seemingly useless gesture. uncharacteristically, i've spent so much time thinking about how my actions would affect others that i failed to account for my own reaction. immersed in strangeness.i think about the idea of being alone; the weird bittersweetness of it. how i've come to associate it with a sort of guilt-free decisiveness. because in every ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1147075701501199022006-05-08T03:58:00.000-04:002006-05-08T04:08:21.520-04:00head for the mountains. the dark black circles are becoming more defined. i can feel the sinus drip coming on.here i am in my bed. ridden. not really sure if it's a bad thing. not really sure if it's intentional. there. did you hearthatpianolinespeed up a little bit? heading straight for me. in a little bit i'll becertain.you can hear the one last spin as the disc winds down into silence. i am ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1145440430045635692006-04-19T05:47:00.000-04:002006-04-19T05:53:50.056-04:00the endless fucking transitions.i've taken a bit of time to re-evaluate and here i am now. i quit smoking, i've been writing again, sleeping less, eating a bit better, trying to find a general point of focus. i feel like i need solitude right now more than anything, so i've been taking it in slices and apologetically at best.so the air is warmer and the sky has been very clear lately and i've ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1139229436045514022006-02-06T08:26:00.000-04:002006-02-06T08:37:16.056-04:00another transmission straight from the goddamn ether.click click click.with a flurry and a flutter i am out of cigarettes again, hovering over an antiquated desktop slapped together out of graveyard parts as the sun comes up. i pat down my pockets. walk down the stairs outside car door glove box the one stashed away for months lit sucked down gone.i pat myself on the back. i've fulfilled a desireninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1126774878733082272005-09-15T04:56:00.000-04:002005-09-15T05:01:18.740-04:00One More Cup of Coffee.SOMETHING WENT really strange and wrong with that girl. I can't seem to put my finger on it. And then standing outside the diner with a cigarette I'm pawing at the cover of a really hip looking book bright green matte laminate and she tells me something or other about the first boy that kissed her. She's talking about dreams, she says and then mentioned how it seemed like ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1120358348805658062005-07-02T22:32:00.000-04:002005-07-02T22:39:08.810-04:00random journal excerpt from five years ago.i had a dream at ten o'clock the random breakfast bar meanderings of an all you can eat buffet devouring the early morning diner life, had no intentions but it got early too suddenly and shook the hangover from my head like a shroud, resurrected. i retire to the personal matters at hand as all the old patrons walk limply from booth to bar piling french ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1118975278447750662005-06-16T22:25:00.000-04:002005-06-16T22:27:58.453-04:00restless again.i felt like nothing all day long. i was tired, so i took a nap. and napped and napped and napped. it wasn't a depressive kind of nap. i just felt tired through all my bones and felt i deserved some rest. i hadn't slept properly in about a week and things were getting weird. i was having a tough time keeping it together.we went to a party and i flirted with all the girls there. i ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1117360409447639992005-05-29T05:46:00.000-04:002005-05-29T05:53:29.453-04:00jealous guy.joe is certain that i'm fucking his girlfriend. it just isn't true.i tell him, no, it isn't like that at all.he isn't convinced.she and i went for a walk in the park about the time this whole thing started. mostly i was quiet and she was bitching about joe. i found it marvelously uninteresting, but her babble was some comfort to me and i really just wanted an accomplice. it's so much ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1117107203366304062005-05-26T07:25:00.000-04:002005-05-26T07:33:23.370-04:00goodbye, chinese notebook.tonight i filled up the last page of the chinese notebook with writing. i'll probably start a fresh one soon, but i have a lot to reread and filter through before i feel properly done with this one. i have drafts of seven or eight short stories kicking around, so i may start posting them if they seem good upon revision. otherwise you can consider this a short respite ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1116580260801746222005-05-20T05:06:00.000-04:002005-05-20T05:11:00.806-04:00take it or leave it:i felt much better having gotten this out of my head.well, of course.slip on your shoes, slip out the door. no one's gonna notice you walking like that. dressed like that. in the four a.m. early autumn street, the sky changed to a psychotic shade of orange and you with complete anonymity. feeling like the goddamn messiah is bearing down straight on your head before you've evenninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1115900522141937982005-05-12T08:11:00.000-04:002005-05-12T08:22:02.186-04:00last taste.we've had this same argument at least eight times. i'm not one for redundancy, but we just can't resolve this one. she looks completely exhausted and at her wit's end. we stare at each other for a while in silence.i say, 'we're doing this because we're bored.'she says, 'yes.' emphatically.i say, 'maybe we should just have some kinky sex or go on a road trip or something.'she says, 'ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1115556056731226912005-05-08T08:39:00.000-04:002005-05-08T08:40:56.736-04:00romantic encounter, botched.i went over to her house one evening with just the intention of having a beer or two. the next morning she invited me out for breakfast. that evening we went out for a movie and then stayed back at her place, watching the sci-fi channel, eating ice cream and fucking on the couch.the next day i had to work, but she called me right after i got off to spend the night withninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1114744858918636792005-04-28T23:05:00.000-04:002005-04-28T23:20:58.920-04:00post traumatic stress.i make a move just before i have a chance to think better of it. later, i know i'm going to have to figure out a clever strategy in which i don't second-guess myself.i hope you weren't waiting for a mission statement. there's a definite feeling of awkwardness to all this, and i wouldn't want to ruin it by tacking on some kind of life lesson or moral to the story. it gets ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1114323371709422822005-04-24T02:06:00.000-04:002005-04-24T07:31:16.133-04:00the night.and the lights got loud. i followed you out to the porch fumbling with a cigarette and digging around in my pockets. the party inside continued but the sliding glass doors were fogging up and pretty soon it was just you and me and the mosquitoes and that was fine.i'd almost forgotten the feeling of lust that crept up on me then, having spent so much time being in the relationship that ininenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1113363327340938472005-04-12T23:22:00.000-04:002005-04-12T23:35:27.340-04:00here i go.snap your fingers and watch as you fall back onto your couch, count the cigarettes throughout the day, note the smooth way you back feels as it lines up with the cushion and do your best not to remember anything. brought back into the now and reeling just a little bit at the slow transition like, hey, here it is again. there's a math to it, there's a feeling like a face pressed against ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1113028994865919132005-04-09T02:38:00.000-04:002005-04-09T02:43:14.866-04:00sitting in a text filealong with all the rest of my ambitions is a story entitled pie part three, overturned, on the floor with a melted processor, sitting nicely filed away on a harddrive rendered inaccessible.and all the cords leading to and fro have been disconnected, covered in dust, rearranged, atrophied and made useless over the course of a week or so. and thenthe sun came out and ignoring ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1111500874847982542005-03-22T09:57:00.000-04:002005-03-22T10:14:34.850-04:00pie.part two.i suppose it's worth mentioning that this is not one of those situations where 'the air is filled with electricity' or my 'heart goes pitter-patter' or 'i feel like the king of the world.' it wasn't at all like that. this girl had grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to her apartment, and i was every bit as scared of her as i was intrigued. probably moreso. while thoughts of sex hadninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1110895388319408732005-03-15T10:01:00.000-04:002005-03-22T10:22:07.950-04:00pie. part one.i was sitting at the cafe with amy when she walked by, staring at me all the way to the counter. she finally broke her gaze when an employee said, 'can i help you?' but turned back as soon as she paid. i thought i saw her raise a brow and then her glass as she turned on her heels, heading for a table in the back.i tried to return to my book, but i was far too distracted. i ended up ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1110691800077361372005-03-13T01:24:00.000-04:002005-03-13T01:30:00.120-04:00of eggs and bellies or two lies.deep and unconvincingly shuffled into some metaphorical garden i stumble upon a carton of eggs. a voice from the heavens bids me, 'take these eggs, and do with them as you please, but do so quickly. they expire on the twenty first.'obviously, i didn't have much time. i had to get out of the garden of good and evil and i'd probably need a skillet of some sort.okay, ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1110340892261955822005-03-08T23:37:00.001-04:002005-03-09T00:01:32.263-04:00cameos by david lynch and tom waits.i was listening to tom waits very loudly as i pulled into the parking lot of a warehouse-style building. it was pretty dark all around, only a few other cars there, and there were two doors adjacent to each other with light in the windows.i put the car in reverse to turn around and looked in the rearview. behind me was- i'm not even kidding- a red velvet ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1109550360936933012005-02-27T20:21:00.000-04:002005-02-27T20:26:46.283-04:00the toolbox.in my dream last night i was cooking for someone. it may have been my father and his wife, but i'm not entirely sure. i asked them where the tumeric and cumin were, and they said to try the spice cupboard. after further inquiries i checked where they had specified, but could find nothing but black pepper, salt, and some lowry's or something.i got furious. i asked where the hell all ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1109149048266781412005-02-23T04:49:00.000-04:002005-02-23T04:57:28.266-04:00mixed signals, false starts, self-indulgence.in an interstellar burst!... you know the rest.it's a little early in the season to be rising again on the third day, but you'll just have to settle. i suppose i never was very messianic in any case.the shady bastard at the diner traded me a replacement processor and now everything is running fine. the pause in regularly scheduled programming was ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1108942123855261692005-02-20T19:22:00.000-04:002005-02-20T19:28:43.856-04:00my computer has met its terrible demise.while it is possible to continue posting from public terminals or my roommate's laptop, i think i will be not doing that. this is mostly because the keyboard on which i am currently typing is inducing a sort of slow madness that creeps up my spine and eventually puts all rational thought to rest without consideration or consequence.in the meantime i have myninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1106227265977310462005-01-20T09:20:00.000-04:002005-01-20T09:21:05.976-04:00maybe next time.
'hello!' says
dead ex girlfriend sitting on a brown corduroy couch next to me. still with the fabulous lips, skinny as a rail, eyes that look so innocent. i can't even imagine how they could have stayed that way after all these years.
and i said,
'i thought you were dead.' as she handed me a cigarette. she looked me in the eyes for a second and pulled out a lighter. i leaned ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1106133566402739612005-01-19T07:09:00.000-04:002005-01-19T07:19:26.403-04:00some more confusion.
here comes that weird sentimental feeling again, not shaking my mood, not changing the weather, never to my chagrin. can't help but feel a little silly about it. but when it comes i just let it, and i enjoy that too.
i miss sitting on the kitchen floor with an ashtray and no intentions talking through all hours. never holding hands or thinking twice or looking up your skirtninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1105795277470934832005-01-15T09:18:00.000-04:002005-01-15T09:21:17.470-04:00hello, rut.
trying to write about a dream but it just reads like a personal ad.
so i'll write that instead.
'SWM seeks
inspiration, eloquence
competence to write about
the same subject over
and over, but who
can blame him when the
dreams are so much the
same day after day?'
i'll try again tomorrow.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1105525911057367222005-01-12T06:31:00.000-04:002005-01-12T06:31:51.056-04:00i didn't answer the question.
jacquie is sad. (she told me so.) with shaking hands and corrosive fumes and other bad dreams, she yawned, picked a cigarette out of the pack and glanced across the table. out of the corner of my eye i noticed a bruise on her forearm, and another on her neck.
mostly she was covered in fabric. the kind of girl you never see much of, even her wrists, because she ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1105364747650097002005-01-10T09:44:00.000-04:002005-01-10T09:45:47.650-04:00why does a man climb a mountain?
possibly to make out, but i really couldn't tell you.
she said
'aren't these mountains beautiful?'
all i could think of was how they didn't look real. too geometric or something. i wasn't sure. something just wasn't right.
i think she was trying to make something romantic out of the situation. surrounded by lush scenery and it was made into a backdrop to make ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1105170466214601382005-01-08T03:43:00.000-04:002005-01-08T03:47:46.216-04:00impaired judgement for all seasons.
okay, so i'll admit it. i miss you quite a bit but i avoid you anyway. nothing ever came of talking to you, not even a visit or an exchange of numbers, but for some reason i still feel attracted.
i was really scared that if i talked to you again it would lose all the velour. the more i get to know people the less i want to see them. at least most of the time.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1104839628228612422005-01-04T07:53:00.000-04:002005-01-04T07:53:48.226-04:00dear cunt(s);
all you sad bastards hellbent on something can't even have the grace to drop a line well i'm okay. not terribly excited but hey it pays the bills can't say much about anything else. another year that can kiss my ass wrote it up in the obituaries still kicking and swinging.
some stupid drive down south a quick remedy and then all you get is debt and
realised that this shit you've ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1102332461275028942004-12-06T07:26:00.000-04:002004-12-06T07:27:41.276-04:00general dismemberment.
but only because it's happening soon you
see things that aren't really there? write them down all the time. no, that's just how you do it.
i was walking out of a room and saw a girl's clothes strewn across an armchair and i turned around expecting her to be sitting there naked not particularly interested in me. i felt as if this was something that had happened. had i ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1101890243020483102004-12-01T04:36:00.000-04:002004-12-01T04:37:23.020-04:00the vietnamese noodle house.
sometime around five a.m. i wound up in a 24hour vietnamese noodle house. i wished that such a thing existed in my hometown. it seems like every time i talk to one of my peers they're bitching about how they can't sleep or how there's nothing to do at night, but i think that any desire for entertainment can be quickly forgotten in lieu of a bowl of delicious noodles ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1100172218715731792004-11-11T07:22:00.000-04:002004-11-11T07:23:38.716-04:00death and geometry.
(i didn't really get it either.)
everything was so quiet and i looked around and felt my stomach twist up as all my thoughts.
ran together in my head and jumbled until one word was.
indistinguishable from another just sounds or colours or some unidentifiable.
sensation arising only long enough to seem familiar from a situation i could not recall.
i am sitting on a beach justninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1099045022901097252004-10-29T06:14:00.000-04:002004-10-29T06:17:02.900-04:00death, the ocean, and girl troubles.
when i died it was in a car crash and i woke up feeling justified.
when i was walking along the beach i couldn't see anything clearly. black clouds were rolling in and the sky was that deep blue that tells you the sun has just set. there were crowds of people all sitting in the sand dressed up in black.
a girl walked up to me and came into focus as though ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1098270286374859992004-10-20T07:04:00.000-04:002004-10-20T07:04:46.376-04:00telephone trouble.
just a little
bite on the neck but i thought she was going to take a chunk of my fucking skin off. a little jittery, i guess, but the silence set in and i couldn't help but feel better even if i had tried.
most of the time i'm not even sure why i'm here. but i got up and went to the bar still barely awake i wiped the sleep from my eyes and ordered a beer. time just seemed to ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1097929552276217692004-10-16T08:25:00.000-04:002004-10-16T08:25:52.276-04:00are we really doing this again?
OH.MY.GOD. some wide eyed psycho on the street screams at me THERE IS SO.MUCH.LINT. ON YOUR CLOTHES.
i tell him i'm not interested and he looks down at his feet then back at me. and people start pouring out the doors with nets and burlap bags and pick him up drag him away. a girl comes up to me and tells me that she doesn't mind and i look okay and i thank her ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1097752878145945072004-10-14T07:19:00.000-04:002004-10-14T07:21:18.146-04:00the sunshine state can kiss my ass
but that wasn't really my point.
i saw her at the bar a couple days ago. she was dressed very strangely (a sailor suit, maybe?). very heavy eye makeup. she was there with her boyfriend, but i suppose that's been the story lately.
and then i ran into her in the supermarket. and hey!i've got the twitches i've got an itch i've got to get the fuck out of my house.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1097579726454202702004-10-12T07:13:00.000-04:002004-10-13T09:05:30.196-04:00post-coital bliss and indifference.
after we fucked i got up (still naked) and looked out her window. it was a nice view down to the street. it was quiet outside and the sun still wouldn't be up for another hour or two.
i love the feeling of intense seperation after a moment of intimacy. maybe that makes me weird or just symbolically afraid of commitment. as she lay there and asked me to come ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1097396745021729902004-10-10T04:24:00.000-04:002004-10-13T09:06:03.953-04:00this is the part where you stop talking.
well.
regardless of the bad taste in your mouth there's really nothing you can say in your own defense. this is checkmate.
here is a room full of poor losers making accusations. here is me face to face with my own paranoia. a warm hello to diminished expectations. this is that harrowing madness of you barking your own inevitable defeat saying hey, here'sninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1097223770821678372004-10-08T04:15:00.000-04:002004-10-10T04:24:33.766-04:00deja vu.
during the long walk down the stairs i had a lot to think about and i suppose i used the time to my advantage.
you and i were going through the motions with that form letter of a conversation where you act like you're deciding on the spot that it's time to not see me anymore. i kind of spaced out and wasn't listening; i'm sure you noticed but kept going anyway. what you were saying wasninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1094636156192008692004-09-08T05:35:00.000-04:002004-09-08T05:35:56.193-04:00which is more arrogant?
congratulating yourself for admitting your arrogance, or denying it altogether?
ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1094383950741203292004-09-05T07:20:00.000-04:002004-09-05T07:33:50.060-04:00a dream about poems.
it was time to take a little break, i think.
i stayed in and stayed sober for a couple of days just to get my head together and try to figure out what i was doing with myself. i was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper when my roommate came in with two large envelopes addressed to me. one said:
PAID.
and the other said:
paid.
paid.
paid.
both in pencil.
i ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1093592715969270672004-08-27T03:44:00.000-04:002004-08-27T03:45:15.970-04:00existential dilemma.
plot device! is upon me once again and i'm
surrounded by the people that i know, holding drinks, wearing cocktail dresses or ties. they've been talking amongst themselves, conferring with my secrets, plotting against me, asking me on dates, leading me on. i am at a party and a co-worker approaches. somehow i've found out that he said something he shouldn't have. this is big ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1092806522325336212004-08-18T01:16:00.000-04:002004-08-18T01:22:02.326-04:00kind of blue.
without a sound the world went all miles davis on me quick and certain in a twist of my neck, but i was thinking in line drawings of my hands. i stood up and thought better of it, made generalisations to myself about my life, considered the effects of smoking, stuttered a bit, sat down and stared. i was here to listen to music and write my thoughts, that much i was sure of, but ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1090883077972096392004-07-26T18:59:00.000-04:002004-07-26T19:04:37.973-04:00it's so cold in alaska.
it all started with a search for tequila. for some reason i was driving a classic pickup truck with my friend paul. i think i picked him up in the high school parking lot, which i guess is kind of odd, since the errand at hand was getting him to buy me liquor.
we drove all over town, got lost for a while, it rained, i thought i lost my backpack but found it, my heart ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1089876857424671092004-07-15T03:32:00.000-04:002004-07-15T03:40:58.266-04:00now.
my blog has a new look, which is undoubtedly much harder on your eyes.
the dirty google ad-banner is also in a terrible place which obscures the title, but i think it adds a certain ambience to the shoddy manner in which these two free services were mashed together (the blog and template, that is).
hello! ugly blog. you make an extremely inefficient use of space, and reflect nothing ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1089345394072659302004-07-08T23:53:00.000-04:002004-07-08T23:56:34.073-04:00the significance is obscure.
oh, chinese notebook.
this is the part where you try to turn the engine over and all the warning lights flash on instead. this was not entirely unexpected, but certainly not pleasing in any event. lights flare up and fade in my peripheral vision and i swear i see them walking out in front of the car for a second or two before my eyes slowly go back into focus.
and ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1088186530319725302004-06-25T14:00:00.000-04:002004-06-25T14:02:10.320-04:00since you asked.
i am sitting here and i don't have much to say about anything.
i am way too busy worrying about money and wishing i had more liquor to even think about writing.
i am living on an allowance of cigarettes and pancakes which i have set aside for myself.
i am holed up in my room and i will sit here and count my blessings until i have money again.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1086684644994539552004-06-08T04:41:00.000-04:002004-06-08T04:50:44.993-04:00it never fails. or times i have been an asshole. (part one)
sorry, hon, my hands are tied.
i was biking down a road somewhere or other at about 3am. it was raining. i was passing some jogger when he grabbed my left bicep and pulled me off the bike. i got up, brushed myself off, and punched him in the face three times. he looked really confused, and asked me why i had punched him. i said, 'ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1085484961617442362004-05-25T07:34:00.000-04:002004-05-25T07:36:01.616-04:00now i've done it. or just like you see on tv.
when we left town my heart was racing. you were lying in the back seat of the car and i really wasn't sure if you were alive anymore or not. or how you got that way. or where the hell i thought i was going to go.
earlier in the evening i'd met you in a diner. you were wearing an old paisley dress in an off brownish-green kind of colour and had a ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1084075876685697242004-05-09T00:10:00.000-04:002004-05-09T00:16:42.686-04:00yet another true story that really happened.
woke up in some strange living room on a couch. my throat was swollen, eyes dry, head aching.
the fun part is trying to put together how you got there to begin with, or at least that's what i think. i was interrupted, though. someone was staring at me from across the living room. he looked about fifty and not in any way pleased with my presence on ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1083391889038882072004-05-01T02:11:00.000-04:002004-05-01T02:15:48.483-04:00i can't even make mistakes right.
i'd gotten a room a bit too far up broadway in kansas city, drank a little bit too much, and smashed a bottle of wine on the floor.
for a minute i just stared down at this pool of shattered glass and spilled wine, sort of oddly amazed that i had done such a ridiculous thing. i recognised that i was quite drunk, but resolved not to get out of bed on that side inninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1082936676639932402004-04-25T19:44:00.000-04:002004-04-25T19:49:03.890-04:00your guess is as good as mine.
well, i waltzed into the bar and gnashed my teeth. i felt like i was made of nails or stones or something similarly impermeable.
a girl walked up to me and motioned me into the other room. i raised my eyebrows and looked her in the face like maybe i knew what she was all about. i felt like john wayne. i bluff, she follows.
i never get tired of this game.
she ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1082791704112279402004-04-24T03:22:00.000-04:002004-04-24T03:32:33.733-04:00slow week.
i seem to be causing quite a ruckus lately.
it wasn't my intention, really, but such is life. my problems (at least in the short term) seem to be straightening themselves out alright. my biggest problem up until wednesday was my roommate not cleaning the house, but i seem to have unwittingly pissed him off enough that he has disappeared and begun to move his belongings out. but! now ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1081955499588924352004-04-14T11:11:00.000-04:002004-04-14T11:15:36.106-04:00my lucky day.
it all started with a phone call from a girl. i've known her for quite a long time, and have been trying to get her to make out with me for a significant portion of it. unfortunately, she has never given me a straight answer of her feelings on the subject, so i've been unrequited for some time.
when i arrived at her house, she let me know in a fairly passive way that making out ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1081658003277698552004-04-11T00:32:00.000-04:002004-04-11T00:41:09.013-04:00incredible asshole.
i fell asleep quite drunk. things had been crazy for the entire night, and i suppose i should have expected that they would continue in such a fashion.
i was at a wedding that has yet to happen. they had an open bar, and i was specifically asked by the bride to make good use of that. and how. i got good and drunk, and things just kept getting stranger and stranger.
a girl ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1081504969884217012004-04-09T06:02:00.000-04:002004-04-09T06:08:36.716-04:00it's my bedsheets covered in sand.
i was near the beach, and that much is for sure.
the light was coming in through the blinds in a way that i'm pretty sure can only happen in a painting or a hotel room. i considered that and decided this was almost certainly a hotel room. everything was pitch black except for the little strips of light which seemed abnormally full of colour. i got up and ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1081273090592271702004-04-06T13:37:00.000-04:002004-04-06T13:41:55.903-04:00drinking like i meant it or the lonestar state is so very far away.
when i got home there was a stack of eviction notices from the landlord outside the door. at the time i was in such a masochistic and self-indulgent mood that all i could do was laugh.
you were right all along about that, but then tried to say 'i told you so.' well, i never disagreed with you in the first place.
there is ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1080774001632858832004-03-31T17:59:00.000-05:002004-03-31T18:04:18.576-05:00a hellafine way to start your day.
as i was waking up, she told me about the dream she just had.
my mind was wandering, not quite ready to even attempt getting my head clear. i had dreamed about trench warfare WWI style. it was girls against boys, but no one had their heart in it because they all wanted to fuck each other. but that is neither here nor there.
she really got my attention when ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1080616954816301492004-03-29T22:22:00.000-05:002004-03-29T22:26:09.890-05:00unfamiliar architecture; bodyparts.
i was manic, my muscles were tense, i could feel my hips and ribs pressing against my skin as though they were about to rip straight through. i could feel the sweat on my body as my limbs brushed against each other. i moved slightly and got out of bed to go to the bathroom, brushing some fingers (mine?) out of the way as i did so.
when i left the bathroom, ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1080089513134329562004-03-23T19:51:00.000-05:002004-03-23T19:57:23.123-05:00it's all coming out: the whole nine yards.
i had (apparently) been listening to van morrison all day. sometimes memories just insert themselves in dreams, as though they were fabricated specifically to fulfill some kind of loose end in the plot. the basic premise almost never relies on any kind of memory; more likely a lack thereof. they just sort of sift in to create continuity.
i went over toninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1079859285063355642004-03-21T03:53:00.000-05:002004-03-21T03:58:49.140-05:00an unraveling of sorts.
she was sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs crossed and turned to the side, just looking at me. she was all dressed in white, backlit against the open window, and my eyes couldn't seem to get ahold of any of her contours. when i tried my heart sped up and my stomach quivered.
she is that little black tanktop hiding in the closet ready to rip me to shreds in a ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1079442777391265482004-03-16T08:11:00.000-05:002004-03-16T08:16:13.966-05:00true stories that really happen whatever part we're supposed to be at now.
i was wandering around some strange city, completely insane and oblivious to the outside world. no one could have touched me.
i had been out on my own for an amount of time i could no longer discern, but in retrospect i think i may have gone for two days or so without speaking a word to anyone except the man who worked ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1079073843480490062004-03-12T01:41:00.000-05:002004-03-12T01:47:13.763-05:00i was once misinformed.
behold! my new track: misinformation.
it's spooky.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1079000842886695902004-03-11T05:25:00.000-05:002004-03-11T05:32:37.716-05:00behold! the
little letter that she handed me in a decorated envelope just before i boarded. the grass was that dull colour of the early days of spring. i was seized with desire, and i sat for a little bit with my headphones and tried to get my mind clear.
the opening notes of an acoustic guitar and the brittle soft distortion of a pedal steel washed over me as i watched the trees go by, ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1078747184059423692004-03-08T06:59:00.000-05:002004-03-08T07:06:01.810-05:00here is a proposition. or quiet down, it's happening now.
there are lots of little thematic happenings which lead me to the fast-approaching and inevitable appeal that lies in the acquisition of unfiltered cigarettes. the party strip is glowering down on me like i owe it something, but i try not to dwell on anything so indefinite as that. in fact, i spend so much time trying to figure out where ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1078681956195330032004-03-07T12:52:00.000-05:002004-03-07T12:55:40.950-05:00where is she now?
there was a girl in the supermarket named judy.
i've told this story almost as many times as the one about the sandwich at the radiohead concert, so i'll spare you the details.
i wonder what judy is doing with herself and her nervous friend right now and also what i would do if i were to run into her at the supermarket again.
she was pretty crazy and cute, and she gets points ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1078233312933465482004-03-02T08:13:00.000-05:002004-03-02T08:21:35.356-05:00hello,
chinese notebook.
i sped down the road to the hum of six sinister cylinders all firing away in time. at moments like that i swear i can hear things stripped of the overtones that create one smooth sound; as though by driving as fast as humanly possible i could sharpen my senses to the point of some cosmic understanding.
i needed to get my head clear, and this was the best way i knew of ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1077785714185730572004-02-26T03:53:00.000-05:002004-02-26T03:59:52.966-05:00here is an old track by me which was never really properly mastered: mixed feelings about now.
i am working on a final mix for it, and i would not be terribly unreasonable to expect (re)mixed feelings about now sometime in the future.ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1077710858065961682004-02-25T07:06:00.000-05:002004-02-25T07:13:37.576-05:00i talk about sex again (again!) or blame it on the camera man.
someone scraped the ice from the upper right hand corner of my windshield off in the shape of a heart. i suppose i would be well advised to keep my ear to the ground from here on out.
as the temperature slowly rises above freezing and everything begins to melt, my dreams are more and more frequently about sex. today, a good friend ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1077553552512044072004-02-23T11:25:00.000-05:002004-02-23T11:41:20.076-05:00second thoughts: you're better off without.
a dream which was somewhat enlightening but mostly entertaining.
marie and i were moving in together.
it was a turn of events that i couldn't even begin to understand. for one thing, it was apparent that we were dating, but i have no idea under what circumstances this was initiated. on top of that, it's extremely uncharacteristic of me to even ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1077445657299060242004-02-22T05:27:00.000-05:002004-02-22T05:30:21.966-05:00recurring themes. and ineffable chinese wisdom.
the big lights flooded through the room. the walls were white and the room was full of some kind of illuminated haze. someone (my mother?) confessed that i had been south of the border at a young age but didn't remember and she had never told me. i couldn't help but think that this was some kind of setup, but i had no idea what kind of response ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1077349016960496012004-02-21T02:36:00.000-05:002004-02-21T02:41:24.310-05:00i abandon form for the sake of convenience.
i've just been such a mess of loose phrases lately that writing anything resembling a narrative really seemed like a ridiculous idea. instead of attempting to tie these phrases together in any kind of cohesive fashion, i think i will just offer a brief summary.
i dreamed that a girl was rushing violently through my vestibule with a crowbar in hand, ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1076979212158591182004-02-16T19:52:00.000-05:002004-02-16T19:57:14.700-05:00evasive behaviour.
i was driving down the road very fast. at the time i could not have told you how fast without referencing the speedometer, but suffice to say, it was well beyond the legal limit. things played out pretty much as they have in a multitude of paranoid fantasies; the loud and bright lights flared up in the rearview and i realised that it was much past the time when i could have ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1076828070782178592004-02-15T01:54:00.000-05:002004-02-15T01:57:05.250-05:00the revenge of saint valentine. or i probably could have thought of a better title but didn't.
last night i went to a party. i've never really understood what to do at parties, but this must have been different or something.
i had managed to worm my way out of work a whole hour early, and having done so, i went straight to the bar. i had missed the first two bands, but the third went on and ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1076550268669622392004-02-11T20:39:00.002-05:002004-02-11T20:46:58.810-05:00a guest contribution.
as written by del fishie
Boyfriend and I are going to be on a reality tv dating show. It's the kind where you go stay on an island with a lot of other couples and much debauchery ensues. Lil Kim is the host of the show. Shortly after everyone arrives, there is a disease outbreak, the island is quarantined, and the US Army shuttles 8 people at a time off the island to ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1076543593633970012004-02-11T18:52:00.000-05:002004-02-11T20:37:27.716-05:00cassie.
an excerpt.
cassie told me that the toughest lesson she ever learned was how and when to keep her mouth shut.
she was one of the craziest ones; i never really understood how she did it. the idea of her accomplishing basic daily things like laundry or taxes at any point in her life is laughable. how she ever achieved anything or paid her rent just mystifies me.
she always seemed to know ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1076397541821422702004-02-10T02:18:00.000-05:002004-02-11T21:11:18.746-05:00a week in the dreams of your favourite communist menace.
bear with me, here.
i was screaming in the aisle of the supermarket. i was causing some kind of a ruckus. i was telling everyone what i thought. i climbed through the cliches or concrete jungles and softball fields to scream at you what i think, which is long overdue.
i stole a van, some credit cards, and ripped pretty much everyone i knewninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1076341759749967012004-02-09T10:48:00.000-05:002004-02-09T10:51:46.640-05:00true stories from real life part four or a trip to the teeth factory.
when i was seven or eight years old i tripped on some ice and broke my front teeth. i was pretty sad at the time, but i went to the dentist and he filled them in with some kind of temporary teeth-matter and told me that i would have to get crowns when i turned eighteen. that seemed like a long time away and i didn't worry ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1075985758156062882004-02-05T07:55:00.000-05:002004-02-05T07:58:19.873-05:00things getting out of hand.
i went to the grocery store with john, barry, todd, and eric. i was there to get toilet paper and chocolate, which i am terribly addicted to. this morning, in fact, i woke up and searched the house rather frantically before showering and going out for no purpose other than to buy more chocolate, which i had run out of.
at first, things were pretty normal in the ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1075806356409036232004-02-03T06:05:00.000-05:002004-02-03T06:12:45.670-05:00rock stars, reincarnation, and car trouble.
often times it all starts with sex, and this one is no exception.
i'm not sure who she was exactly, but she certainly wasn't a random girl who had thrown herself on top of me in a pub or somesuch. i got the very distinct impression that i was dating this one. she must have been about thirty. she was cute, blonde, wore glasses and spoke with a slight ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1075765239588327032004-02-02T18:38:00.000-05:002004-02-02T18:42:57.263-05:00content to keep you occupied.
on days like this my head just floods. all congested with record reviews, financial situations, ever-present girl problems and my possible resolve to do whatever. my will is mostly concentrated on trying to stay afloat, and hope that amidst all this something brilliant will come out.
yeah, i know. it's hard to believe.
i hit play again and listen to some ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1075205659715853792004-01-27T07:13:00.001-05:002004-01-27T07:16:28.903-05:00being sincere makes you sound like a chump.
lots of people that i know have relayed stories that were told to them by their grandfathers. i've tried to understand this bond that they've had, and to some degree i think i get it. unfortunately, one of my grandfathers had alzheimer's disease. i have very few memories of him, but i do remember going to visit him at the nursing home once. he didn't ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1074840623577545032004-01-23T01:50:00.000-05:002004-02-03T06:14:15.623-05:00an odd encounter.
i was in a train station. no idea why, really, so just don't ask. my mother was there, and i was getting ready to depart. unfortunately, it soon occurred to me that i wasn't wearing any shoes. this would pose a pretty big problem when i got to wherever i was going, so i decided i'd best go and find some.
i told my mom to wait for me and i would be right back. i left the ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1074831682199903462004-01-22T23:20:00.000-05:002004-01-22T23:26:17.373-05:00please tear carefully along the perforated edge and don't talk out of turn.
or
true dream that really happened.
stop me if you've heard this one already. the redundant rejection letters fountaining out of the box. it can skew your outlook if you're not careful. repeated goodbyes. tail lights that disappear around corners accuse you of being a cop out. you aren't sure it isn't true. always ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1074576169846499372004-01-20T00:21:00.000-05:002004-01-20T00:28:24.123-05:00true stories of real life happenings part III or the sad story of the mustard couch.
one day i was driving my car around town when i spotted something on the curb. i immediately parked the car and walked over to take a closer look. it was a big mustard-coloured corduroy couch with a sign sitting on it. the sign said 'FREE.' needless to say, i was pretty excited about this.
on further inspection,ninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6326383.post-1074508809082295282004-01-19T05:39:00.000-05:002004-01-19T05:42:06.936-05:00true stories from real life. part II or crush.
i met the girl who i had a crush on at the local diner for breakfast. this happened many years ago, and i hope (god help us all) that's it's okay to talk about this now without stepping on anyone's toes.
i was about to embark on some endeavor or another, leaving town for a month or so. it was a very short time in retrospect, but when you have a ninenoreply@blogger.com